Second Thoughts

Lately I've really been feeling like I might change my mind about halting the TTC "plan". A lot of it was because I felt like I was having a lot of stress going on, especially with waiting for orders, and feeling like if DH had gotten the LORAN station in St. Paul, we'd be out of here in January, so that wouldn't leave me enough time anyways.
But now, with most likely not leaving until May, and going to an area where there won't be a Fertility Specialist - I'm starting to have second thoughts. Plus, if the 1st Clomid pregnancy would have stuck around - I'd be due to have my baby any day now. I can't stop thinking about that, and how happy we would all be.
I feel like I should go to Memphis, at LEAST to find out why I have trouble getting pregnant on my own, AND why I miscarry so often.
Maybe it's unfair of me to halt this whole thing, without even REALLY knowing what the problem is. What if it's a really simple fix? ... And, the bigger question: what if it works?
Something is going on with my body, this amount of miscarriages just isn't normal, right, or healthy.

I'm kinda scared of what to expect though. And scared about the drive to Memphis. I'm a small town girl, and long distance driving is known to give me panic attacks. I have Xanax and a Garmin, so I'm sure I'd be fine.
i just wish I knew more of what testing to expect, and more information about the FS up there. I can't even remember what the OB/GYN said his name was. It sounded like he was knowledgeable and had a good reputation though.
In order for me to see the specialist, I'm going to have to make an appointment with Dr. Blackwood in Cleveland MS and get the referral from him. I think I'm going to wait until after the new year before I make that call.
Hopefully, they'd even be able to get me in to the specialist in a reasonable amount of time - I don't even know how busy places like that are.
I wish there was someone closer to Greenville that I could see for all this stuff. It's going to kill me gas $$ wise if I'm constantly making 4 hour roundtrips up to Memphis...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Orders!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cordova baby!!!!!!!

Bah.

I swear. I'm gonna DIE if we don't get orders soon.




DIE!


I want/need out of this place.

For Those Who Don't Know What To Say...

If you are reading this on behalf of someone else who has miscarried, here is some advice on how to help them.

• Do let your genuine concern and caring show.
• Do be available... to listen or to help with whatever seems needed at the time.
• Do say you are sorry about what has happened and about their pain.
• Do allow them to express as much unhappiness as they are feeling and are willing to share.
• Do encourage them to be patient with themselves and not to expect too much of themselves, nor to impose any 'shoulds' on themselves.
• Do allow them to talk about their loss as much and as often as they want to.
• Do reassure them that they did everything they could and that it wasn't their fault.
• Don't let your own sense of helplessness keep you from reaching out.
• Don't avoid them because you are uncomfortable. Being avoided by friends may add pain to an already painful experience.
• Don't say that you know how they feel (unless you have experienced their loss yourself, and then you can be particularly supportive).
• Don't say 'you ought to be feeling better by now' or anything which implies judgment about their feelings.
• Don't tell them what they should feel or do.
• Don't change the subject when they mention their loss.
• Don't avoid mentioning their loss out of fear of reminding them of their pain (they won't have forgotten).
• Don't try to find something positive about the loss (eg. a moral lesson, closer family ties, etc).
• Don't point out that at least they have their other....
• Don't say that they can always have another.... (they wanted this one).
• Don't say that they should be grateful for....
• Don't make comments which in any way suggest that the loss was their fault (there will be enough feelings of doubt and guilt already).

Ramblings

I know a lot of you that read here are CC'ers.
I don't really feel like... making a whole new post here - so I'm putting the link here for you to follow and be able to read.

**THREAD**

"THE" List ;)

Second Class Damage Controlman	CG LORSTA ST PAUL
Second Class Damage Controlman	ISD CORDOVA
Second Class Damage Controlman	CG GP ASTORIA
Second Class Damage Controlman	USCG SECTOR PORTLAND
Second Class Damage Controlman	CG ISD S PORTLAND
Second Class Damage Controlman	CGC MUNRO (WHEC 724)
Second Class Damage Controlman	CG STA ROCKLAND
Second Class Damage Controlman	CGC MARCUS HANNA
Second Class Damage Controlman	SECTOR LONG ISLAND SOUND
First Class Damage Controlman	CG ISC HONOLULU
First Class Damage Controlman	CG AIRSTA BARBERS PT
First Class Damage Controlman	CG AIRSTA HUMBOLDT BAY
First Class Damage Controlman	CG GP ASTORIA
First Class Damage Controlman	CG GP PORT ANGELES

*

I'm posting with symbols, because I can't possibly think of proper titles for any of this.

I went in today for another Beta draw, my # is 24. It's tanked from 140 to 24 so fast...
so fast...

In talking with the nurse at the Ob clinic in Cleveland, she feels Dr.Blackwood (my OB) will more than likely feel that sending me to see the specialist in Memphis would be best for me.

I'm still undecided if I want to go. We don't have much longer here, and I don't want to get halfway through the process, and then up and leave.
I try to think of what might be going on that's causing all of my losses - but it leads me back to, if anything is wrong, why was I able to carry to term (ok, ok, 3 weeks shy of term) a healthy baby girl, with no "defects" and no treatment or assistance? If anyone has any ideas on that, feel free to share.. cause I can't figure it out.

~

Last night I had some awful cramping and went to the ER. I wasn't bleeding at the time I got there, but started not too soon afterwards.
My BETA level from their blood draw was 140. I'm going back in Thursday morning to see if the level is rising, or falling.

I'm certain I've miscarried again .. as I've lost a lot of my pregnancy symptoms.

To my friends:
Please don't take it personal if I don't take phone calls, or answer texts. I know you all love me and are being supportive - but mentally I'm just not in a spot to.... do much of anything really. Please, please don't take it personally.

In Serious Need Of Sticky Vibes :)

FINALLY!!

BETA is 44. Which according to the nurse who called, is good. It's still a tad on the lower end, but it's risen and that's the important part.

Think STICKY!!

Fort Collins, Colorado

Who are you? :)

I Loathe Waiting

.. because it feels like that's all I ever do.

Got my other blood draw today, and the fucking bitch drew blood from my wrist.

MY WRIST!!

This was after she blew the vein in my left arm *eyeroll*

So, on the way out, I got all freakin' shaky, sweaty, and threw up - thank god I made it to the bathroom JUST in time. I was SO embarrased, nurses all around me...
The lady took 3 viles of blood, and I think it was just too much, too fast. Not to mention, how my vein swelled up was just plain odd.

Anyways, they said they should have the results tomorrow early afternoon. They called Tuesday at about 10:30am, let's just hope that tomorrow it'll be the same time.

I hate waiting!

Well, shit.

So, my BETA number is 28. You are considered pregnant is your number is greater than 5. your HCG levels should be within a certain range depending on how many DPO you are (Days Past Ovulation).
My number is on the lower end of the scale, so I'm going back in tomorrow to have more blood drawn.
Your HCG should double approx every 48 hours. So, we shall see.

Eeep!

The blood has been drawn, and now... we await the results!
Fingers crossed here!!

Last Chance

If you take Clomid for 5 days from 9/29/2008 to 10/3/2008,
you would expect to ovulate between 10/8/2008 and 10/13/2008.

You can start LH testing for ovulation on 10/6/2008.

Optimally you would start making love every 1-2 days starting on 10/6/2008.

I went ahead and plugged my Clomid info on to an online calculator. I've decided to switch up my Clomid taking days from 5-9 of my cycle to days 3-7. What I've been doing hasn't worked, so I figured what the hell. It's my last month, last shot, why not...

Dreamsheet is almost done. I'm looking forward to just hitting the "submit" button with Russ and having that just over and done with. Then the agony of waiting for orders will start.. Still though, it's one less thing to sit and have occupy my brain each day.

As long as we're getting out of here, we'll be happy :)

Holiday seasons sure are coming up fast, can you believe they're already almost here? I'm so glad the weather is finally starting to cool off. I just am NOT made for LIVING in this kind of heat. Vacations and visiting, yes. Living, hell no!

Every day is a day closer to being out of here, and every holiday from now on is a month closer to being out of here. I'm SO excited!! We'll be thrilled with anything we get off our top 5 on "The Sheet", and down from there, we'll be fine too because we'll be leaving!

:)

...

Ryleigh's due for a shot that she's going to get tomorrow, I think since we're there I'm going to go ahead and just ask for a blood pregnancy test.
I'm tired of the disappointment of POAS's, and want to get it off my brain. The last week is always the hardest for me.
Next month is my last month of Clomid, if it doesn't work. I really think I'm done with this whole clusterfuck. Tired of watching others get pregnant, while I just try in vain.
Thanks for always being supportive you guys - it means a lot.

Tick Tock

We're back on the 2WW again. I followed the advice of a friend from my last blog (ty friend!) and went ahead with the Clomid, and just pushed my O day back like she instructed. DH schedule has worked pretty alright with us this month, so we've gotten some good "time" in ;)
If it doesn't work this month, we've just got next month to try-try again.

I really think after this, I will never own a calender again. The harder I try NOT to look at it every day, the MORE I end up looking at it.

*rubs earlobes* Whoooooo-Saaaaaaaahhhwww (you know, like on Bad Boys II)

I'm outta all the pregnancy tests I had too. And I'm not buying anymore. It's adding to the stress. If I'm late.. well, then I'm late and I'll just go in for a blood test. That way I can get that.. um, number. You know, the number.. the one that tells you your pregnancy level.
I can't remember the technical term - be gentle.

Bah!

Started AF, and today is my day to start Clomid again.
Only problem is... today's freakin' Labor Day and the pharmacy is CLOSED?

Will it be worth it to just take it tomorrow? Anyone know...?

*Dust Needed*

As of today we're officially on the 2WW, we need lots of baby dust, and sticky vibes :)
Love you all!

Rawr!

I am Clomid woman, hear me roar! Lol
Back on Clomid. Last pill was.. two nights ago. DH has been doing better this month, than the last month I was on it. I think he knew more of what to expect, as did I.
I'd just tell him when I was having crabby moments, or my headache, or the DAMN hot flashes.
UGH! With this little preview of them, I am NOT looking forward to Menopause. Not one bit!

So, I'm really hoping that this month works, and the baby is awfully sticky. I want to complain in the very near future "Why did I do this?" - and, I will. I was that sick with DD, and I'll get that sick again. I'm trying not to have it stuck in my head, but... it's there.
Hardest way to lose 25 pounds, but hey... kill two birds with one stone so to speak, haha!

On a more serious note, I need to have some of the stress that's going on to STOP. My psychotic SIL will be sentenced this month. On the 15th to be precise. It's really taken a toll on our family. There are so many issues, so much anger, and a LOT of different opinions.
The bottom line though, is that if you harm a child - you deserve to rot in jail. Which she did, and she will.
There is one good thing that has came of this, and that's that I have met a new friend. I'm not going to oust her on here (smile), but she knows who she is. She's a great gal who has done very well with all the things she's had to deal with. She's very fun, sweet, and even better when she drinks ;)

Dreamsheet time is just around the corner, my stomach is in knots, and it hasn't even officially started yet! Our billets have changed, which was to be expected.
DH did not pass the EPME, so he won't be sitting on the servicewide in November.
It's a bummer because it would be nice to have 1st class paychecks, BUT it's going to make it easier and less complicated for us and our dreamsheet. We just have to stick to 2nd class billets.
The thoughts of going LORAN are still weighing heavily on us. If I get pregnant now, it would mean him missing the birth of our 2nd child. I would be near family, and friends - so, I know that I would be alright... but I can't help but think that at that moment the child is born, would we seriously regret our decision.
There are SO many factors that have us thinking about doing this, and the big one is being able to be back in Alaska. We don't necessarily have to take a LORAN to get back up there, but it would be nice to have him take the LORAN for a year, and then *hopefully* be able to slide in to the open DC1 billet in Sitka that will be open in 2010.
Then again, Kodiak is STILL on the list for us. DH has wanted to go there since he joined the CG, and I've always wanted to be there because.. well, who the hell doesn't want to at least SEE Kodiak when you're affiliated with the Coast Guard.
So, Kodiak is definitely an option for us. And, we'd both be more than thrilled to get it.
The other place that's open is Cordova. Now, my Mom tells me that I've been to Cordova - but um, she was pregnant with me, so it doesn't count!! Lol.
I don't know anything about Cordova - so I'm going to start researching that place. I know it's small.. but.. I can deal with small. Not an issue here.
I was sad to see that nthing is open for us (as of now anyways) for WA. It could open up, since we all know THE SITE keeps changing, and will until it's officially open for Dreamsheets.
Warrenton, OR is open for us also. No hurt feelings on that either... I love me some Oregon!

So, that's where were at right now. I need some loves here, because I'm not sure how many more times I can do this Clomid thing. Mucho respect for you gals who have done it for LOOOONG periods of time. I find it's effects absolutely miserable.

We need a baby, and we need it to stick!!

Wellll....

I didn't follow up with my last TTC subject - I've decided to "meet in the middle", so to speak with the Clomid issue.
I have skipped this month, and will take it next month. I am starting to get to the point where I'm not sure if I can do this anymore. The waiting, and the planning, and the scheduling and the watching the calender **gah!!** it's just so stressful.
Maybe it's just not in the "plan" for me to have another child (??) It really saddens me to think about that. It isn't that I'm not appreciative of having DD, because I am - I love that pain in the ass SO much. I just want to experience it again. I was a rare breed who, other than the 4 months of incessant puking due to morning sickness, really enjoyed being pregnant. Labor and delivery hurt like a bitch, but it was something that had/has a HUGE payoff. To see that little being for the first time... ohhh... that feeling. And the process of getting to know them - I want to do all those things all over again.
I want to see DD be a big sister, I want her to have a sibling while growing up, and I want to see DH be a father again. He does SO well with DD, and she is SO enamored with him... I love being able to fall in love all over again with him everyday as he does new things with her.

I'm just tired of my heart breaking. I want to be like "everyone else", who just gets pregnant, and has a baby.

When Answers Just Lead To More Questions...

That's pretty much where I'm at right now. Russ spoke with his detailer a few days ago and got some guidance and questions answered. It's left me with a handful of other questions though.
Beh.
What we do know is that we will be compiling a dreamsheet from 2nd class billets. If (when) he makes 1st (he's on the Nov. Servicewide) we'll be taking the chance on short touring.
Right now, our top two picks are one of the LORAN stations, and Astoria Oregon.

The LORAN is what we talk about the most, since we feel it's a bigger decision that needs to be basically talked to death before we decide a yes, or a no.
The problem - if it really even IS a problem - is that from where we are now, ANYTHING looks good. Just as long as we get the hell OUT.

Doing a LORAN is something we know we're strong enough for, and puts us directly back in teh State that we want to be in. Then again, I fell in love with Astoria when I was on vacation one summer while I was 16. I've always wanted to go back.

I don't think we'll go wrong either way, but I'm one big ball of "I don't know". Just ask Amber, who has to listen to my incessant whining ;) *hugs*

I'm up (down?) for anyone's thoughts here..

Normally I'm One For...

Following doctors orders. But now, I'm contemplating... well, not.
During my last visit with the Doctor he said to wait for two cycles before taking the Clomid again. Well, AF has started today and I'm contemplating just refilling my 'script and goin' for it. I'm tired of playing a never ending waiting game.
I know that my body needs to heal, but I feel like if I started my menstrual cycle back up, it HAS healed. Of course I want to be as healthy as possible before I get pregnant again... I don't want my body's unpreparedness to result in another m/c - but just how important is it to wait?
I honestly don't know.
Anyone have ideas, or suggestions? Maybe some BTDT's?
My heart just aches, I want this to happen already...

I QUIT!

All of it! I fucking QUIT.
Take this Clomid, and shove it up someones ASS.

I'm am SO tired of watching stupid, moronic, selfish, immature little girls get pregnant.
They are in NO position to be bringing a child in to this world. NONE.
They can't even take care of themselves for fuck's sake. Their relationships are unstable, they are unstable, they have no judgment. They can't even make decisions for THEMSELVES. They feel the need to constantly be asking people "what do I do?" "what do I do?".
For starters you stupid cows, get your asses on birth control. Start solving your own problems instead of needing other people to hold your hand.
Get a fucking brain, that way you will be able to see that the relationship that you are currently in is NOT one that a child should be brought in to.

... I'm just fucking pissed, and I fucking QUIT! If "God" wants to hand out children to all the fuckups, then maybe I need to start being one. It seems that those are the only kinds of people who are receiving such a blessing lately.

The List So Far:

Did some looking around and talking with DH. We know that these places might change after transfer season, but... here they are, in no particular order:

LIST FOR 2ND CLASS BILLETS:
Yorktown, VA
Ilwaco, WA
Portland,OR
South Portland, ME
Tok, AK
Astoria, OR
Rockland,ME
Warrenton, OR
Kodiak, AK

LIST FOR 1ST CLASS BILLETS:
Aguidilla, PR
Nerport, RI
Honolulu, HI (CGC Walnut)
North Bend, OR
Humbolt Bay, CA
Port Angeles, WA
Kapolei, HI (Air Station)
Old San Juan, PR


Thoughts?????????????????

On The Road Again...

... Just can't wait to get on the roa...
K, I'll shut up.
I want to leave here.
I NEED to leave here.
I'm tired of being bored all the time. I miss my friends, I miss my family. By this time next year we should be outta here. I just wish I could fast forward my blog to that time and be able to see where we're going. Oh well, this post will be fun to look back on.
Dh and I are discussing him going to a LORAN station in either Tok Alaska, Attu Alaska, or Port Clarance Alaska.
All three are open to him for the '09 transfer season. It's a really big decision as it means spending a year apart. He'll have the opportunity to see us I believe, after the first 6 months or so. But, to me it's almost be such a big teaser that I'd just rather him stay there.
Of course, I say that NOW.
I have SO many questions about these places, and I'm really not sure who to ask. I have a pretty large source of experts available per CC's, but even there it doesn't seem like there are many who know very much.
My biggest concern is what kind of pay we'd be looking at. A big motivator for us is the possibility of saving $ while he's at a LORAN. Plus, from what I understand, DD and I would be able to stay in a place of our choosing for the duration of his tour. This is GREAT, because I'd have my family and friends to entertain, annoy, and keep me company me at all hours of the day.
On the other hand, I'm really not 100% sure if I want to be back in the fishbowl. I'm just so confused, and I hate the not knowing aspect of this life. I like to plan, and know exactly what is going to happen and when.
Of course, this little notion of mine needs to be thrown out the window or I'm going to be sorely disappointed.
There are some other really promising locations that will be available to us also. One of them is Astoria Oregon.
It's a place I visited when I was 16 and absolutely FELL in love with. I knew after my first day there that it was definitely a place I would return to some day.

I wish I had someone that I could ask "So, what so I do?" and they'd have all the correct answers for me. I have told DH that my activeness in where we "go next" will increase dramatically after being stationed here.
I know we have very little control over where we will be stationed in the future, for all of the transfer seasons ahead of us in DH's career. But, I will do my damnedest to never, EVER end up in a place like this again.
The upside? Every location seems great as of now. When you're at the bottom of the barrel, the only place to go - is up.

For Fuck's Sake!

Will someone tell her to STFU already?! Can't you just be fucking happy that you get pregnant "just by laying in bed next to a man" ?! Is it really THAT fucking hard, are you SO dense that you can't see how selfish, immature, and INSENSITIVE you come off?!
Oh you POOR thing! What's that you say... you've got a bit of acne and you're already not fitting in to your clothes? Awwww, hang on a second...
Fuck.
I almost felt bad for ya!
SHUT UP!!!
... and, this has NOTHING to do with the fact that you aren't American. So, don't try to play the petty bullshit feel-sorry-for-me card.

Now We Wait...

I've been instructed to wait two cycles before trying the Clomid again. It is so hard, because I want my body to be healthy and ready for a new pregnancy. But, at the same time it feels like I'm just wasting more time here. I just want to DO this already.
I had a hard time with morning sickness when I was pregnant with DD - I'm sure that's going to happen again, and I'd just like to get it over with.
It still really feels like everyone around me is popping up pregnant. It's so hard to deal with, but at the same time I really am honestly happy for them.
AF still hasn't returned here - I'm wondering when she'll show back up so I can count our first cycle of waiting. Thought about picking up some condoms to use as protection for now - but shit, I haven't used BC or a back up method since I had DD, why start now?
Then again, wouldn't that be funny...

*sigh*

Everyone is pregnant but me.
Everyone else gets pregnant 48 hours after they delivered their last fucking kid.
Everyone else gets pregnant "just by laying in bed next to a male"
Everyone else's kids have siblings.
Everyone else just gets pregnant, and has a baby. No m/c's involved. It's as easy as that. "Hi, I'm ___ and I'm pregnant!" and then 9 months later "Hi! This is my baby".
Then, next month, they get knocked up and do it all over again.

This is how I feel today. I know it isn't true, but today - it feels like it is.

:(

My bean isn't going to make it. Will update later...

Little Scared

This will be a short post, I just need to get it out.

I don't feel pregnant.

Anymore.

I woke up this morning, and my breasts weren't sore anymore, the thought of smoking didn't sound disgusting, and... well, I just don't feel pregnant anymore.
I think as of today I am 5 weeks and 5 days pregnant. My first OB appointment is on the 20th. Which is this Tuesday.
I really don't have a choice other than to just... wait patiently until Tuesday rolls around. I'm a really impatient person when it comes to things like that, so this is going to be hard.
DH is telling me not to worry, that maybe I'm just getting a little relief from my symptoms. I'd like to believe him and I know he's trying to help. But, I'm still really scared here.
We've already told a few people, and... it really, really sucks to have to "un-tell" people.

;)

I have a secret.

I Hate Waiting

My mother freaked me out with a story about my aunt and an ectopic pregnancy that she nearly died from last night while I was telling her about my negative tests, and lack of AF.
So, I made an appointment with the clinic and saw the NP there.
We did a pee test (neg, just like my home tests), and she also did a blood draw. The results from the blood draw will be in by Friday.
I hate waiting.

I don't feel pregnant. I have sore breasts, which is kind of new. And I'm a tad crampy. My cramps are going from the left side, to the right side. Alternating, always starting with the left side. I remember cramping a bit when I was pregnant with Lil Miss Hurricane, but I also "felt" pregnant. I don't feel that way right now.

I'm kind of unsure what to do if my period doesn't start and my blood test is negative.

Ideas, anyone?

So...

Still no AF... *shrugging shoulders*
What the heck do I do? Sit and wait? Should I make a call and ask?
Still all negative tests.
I'm now 5 days after AF was "due".

Fan-fucking-tastic!

All in one day:

I'm supposed to start my period. It's due today, all tests have been negative. Which means Yay, another month of Clomid.

I've been called a "flake". You know what _____? My great Grandmother DIED. And the box that I mailed to my SC after I attended to all that GOT LOST. I told you I would take the hit on making the mistake of not purchasing tracking for it. I have followed through with every other commitment I have made on CC. Infact, YOU were one of my Flop chicks last year. Was your gift not received, late, or undesirable? I think not. I, infact seem to remember throwing in a little something extra, just because. Kiss my ass, I'm not a flake. NOR, did I "flake out" when it came to my SC. I was able to not say anything when you wrote :
"Yes, I know things happen, and sometimes gifts get lost, or life gets in the way."
But, I'm really upset now.
If you KNOW that, then don't label people a "flake".
And, my great grandmother dying was more than "life getting in the way."

My stimulus check has STILL not arrived. And the stupid IRS website is still telling me that I've either entered in the wrong information, or the status is unavailable. Are you kidding me? You can't just leave it at that! Tell me which one it is, so I can either try and fix the supposed "mistake" or I can not worry about that part and just keep checking for an update.

It just seems like it's going to be "one of those days"... so I'm sure I will update this later.

*sad*

I'm fairly certain I'm not pregnant this month. It's the 4th, and the tests are still all negative. I'm taking them in the morning like I'm supposed to, and not overdoing it on my fluids either.
This sucks.

Argh!

Every test so far has been negative. I know it's still a little early to be testing and expecting a "for sure" result, but I'm starting to feel upset.
I don't want to do another month of clomid, it turns me in to a raging bitch.
AF is tentatively due on the 7th...

Who'da Thunk...

So, I did a little reading on Pregnancy tests last night.
Yes, I was bored.
I even went to consumer reports.com and read some reviews, Lol. Turns out, First Response is the #1 test. Sweetness, but I hate paying 15$ for two tests. It's like... literally pissing money away.
I had started a thread on a Forum I'm a member of asking about pregnancy tests. I was unsure if really, you had to pay more for better quality.
A suggestion that was in a reply, was ordering tests online. I looked around and did some comparing. Got a better jist of exactly how pregnancy tests work.
I found a great site, where the more tests you ordered, the cheaper they were.
All in all, I got 20 tests, a collection cup along with free shipping for a grand total of about $14
... and you know I'm gonna hafta pee on one as soon as they get in - you know, just to see how they work :)
Should be sometime this week!

Waiting Is The Hardest Part

You know you'll be humming that song with me now ;)

2WW. It's the hardest part. I just wanna run out, spend a fortune on pregnancy tests, and start peeing on those glorious little sticks right now!
But, I'm forcing myself to wait. For at LEAST another week.
If I was REALLY playing this little 2WW game smart, I wouldn't test until AFTER my period was due. But you and I both know, there's no way that I will have the patience to wait that long.
Suspense kills me, I have to know!
The other crappy part about the 2WW in a way, IS taking the pregnancy tests. I feel like, for TTC'ers, taking pregnancy tests is like being on a diet and stepping on a scale. It can make or break your entire day. In fact, there are women that after years and years of nothing but "negative" results showing up on the PG tests, REFUSE to take them.
They'll pay the money to go in for a blood test.
I don't blame them a bit.

EWCM! EWCM!

Yes, yes, yes. We have EWCM.
Now, while this isn't a very exciting thing... ok, ok fine, it's kind yucky... to most of you. It is TERRIBLY exciting to me.
EWCM = Egg. White. Cervical. Mucous.
It's when the Va-jayjay is sperm friendly, and when you're ovulating.
VERY desireable for baby makin' :)

I've been "checking" for months now, and have NEVER had EWCM.
One month on Clomid and BAM! Hello mama.

We have now officially entered the 2WW (2 Week Wait).

Cup Lovin' and Baby Makin'...

So, I left off with DH leaving some love in a cup.
He did, and the results came back. DH's swimmers are fine! It's weird how news like that can make you feel relieved and... not relieved at the same time.
I know he felt the same way, because the first thing he did was wrap his arms around me and tell me "I'm sorry".
There wasn't a need for him to be, but he knew that I was going to have to be guinea pigged further. Time for big girl panties, right?
I was, to tell you the truth, ecstatic about DH's lil guys being fine. I know it's a lot easier, and there are more options to "fix" reproductive problems with females versus males.

So, with that I made an appointment to see my PCM and tell her that I needed to take a step in another direction. She gave me a referral to see a Gyno about an hour out of town.

I was nervous like you wouldn't believe, but this guy was so nice and so understanding. He was patient, and listened to what I had to say without telling me the things I had been hearing for the past two years:
"You just need to relax"
"It'll happen when it happens"
"It's all in God's hands"
"Maybe your body just isn't ready yet"
"Can't you just appreciate the daughter you already have?"
"Why are you in such a rush?"
... which was usually followed by a surprised "really? You've been trying for two years?" Shows you how much people really pay attention before they rattle off some little blurb that they think will console you, and solve your problems *eye roll*

After speaking with the Gyno, I was prescribed Clomid.
What a fun little pill. You take it on certain days of your cycle and it magically (ok, maybe not magically) aids your body in ovulation.

Along with some seriously FUN side effects.
Hot Flashes
Nausea
Bitchiness
Dizzyness
and my favorite...
Headaches !

Yes, it has been a wonderful month LOL.

I was directed to take the Clomid for the duration of 4 months. If I am not pregnant by that time, I will go back to see the Gyno and he will refer me to Memphis TN to see another specialist up there.
I have a good feeling about this Clomid though, let's keep our fingers crossed!

At least someone has listened

Thursday the Husband and I went in to our appointment. I was relieved that I wasn't feeling like I had to convince the nurse practitioner that something needed to be looked in to. I've felt that way in the past, and the brushings off have made me really bitter.
As it stands right now, Husband and I have been referred and are waiting for a phone call setting up an appointment with a fertility clinic. Husband is gonna get to leave some love in a cup, and we're gonna go from there.

My First Entry

This is just a brief blog - I'm sure more details will follow :)

Currently, DH and I are having trouble getting pregnant. I am 25, he is 29 and we've been trying for 2 years. We do presently have a daughter that was born in 2004 - so the comfort of knowing that we are capable of biologically making a child and I am capable of carrying it to term make me wonder - is it fair to say that we are having fertility issues?
Online I read over and over as if it's mocking me "fertility issues are when you fail to get pregnant after one year of unprotected, well times sex".
*throwing hands up in the air* Don't be afraid to make me feel a little more pressure guys!
When 18 months had passed, I made myself an appointment at the local clinic so that I could talk to someone about the length of time that had passed with no BFP. It was actually suprising to me because the first time DH and I got pregnant it was a little slip. It ended in a miscarriage at 9 weeks. We got pregnant with DD 4 months later. With everything I went thru with that miscarriage, and the sucessful carrying and birth of my daughter I thought I was out of those dark woods.
Lately though, I'm getting the feeling that I am not.
Back to the appointment at the clinic - I was a bit irritated when I found out I was speaking with a nurse practicioner. NOTHING against them - I just wanted to see a Doctor. She told me that the reason I was most likely not getting pregnant was because I was under the stress of being new to town. Now, while I can understand this to a certain point - it just doesn't make sense to me that it would prevent me from pregnancy for two years. Don't get me wrong, I have stress in my life - but not THAT much.
I'm confused on where to go from here.
~More Later