All About Me :)

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I was born in Sitka, Alaska in 1983. My parents divorced when I was 5, and I spent my childhood and teens moving back and forth between parents. So, I grew up in Anchorage, Sitka, and Juneau. But, I call Sitka home. I graduated in 2000. I should have gone to college - but didn't. I met my husband in 2002, let him marry me in 2003 :), and had a daughter with him in 2004. She is the pure JOY in our lives. My husband is AD in the United States Coast Guard. This means that life is never boring, and if it is- hey! we get to move every 3 or 4 years. He is currently a DC (Damage Controlman) 2nd class - working on making 1st class. You can also find me on

22 January, 2009

Here We Go..

Blood test was negative - and it's ok, I just NEEDED to know before I took the Provera.

Tomorrow I'm going to start it, and then it'll be time for the Clomid.


Can you hear the excitement in my voice? No, really - can you....

*sigh* Please, please, please... let this work. Clomid has been nothing but eviiillllll to me. Mood swings, hot flashes, headaches, and pregnancies that show up and disappear.

If I'm going to subject myself to the misery, I need it to pay off this time. So does Russ, and so does Ryleigh. Russ just glows when I tell him I'm pregnant. He's a goober that starts rubbing my tummy and talking to it right away. He's a geek, but he's MY geek - and I love him like nothing else.
ALL Ryleigh can talk about is babies this, and babies that. I know that she will be SUCH a great big sister. Very helpful, and very eager to have a playmate around. I think it might be a little bit of an issue when Daddy wants to spend time with the "new" baby - as she is VERY MUCH a Daddy's girl. But, along with that will come a better example of sharing, waiting for her turn, and seeing just how we cared for her when she was itty bitty. She's VERY in to looking at her baby pictures, and talking about her as a baby, and what we did, and this and that.... on and on, lol.

The nurse that I talked to, on Tuesday, also told me that it's not unreasonable for me to ask Dr. Blackwood about getting me some vaginal Progesterone suppositories. They just MAY help, and if it turns out I don't need 'em... there's no risk in taking them. So, it won't hurt to try.
I don't know a lot about them, but I think I will call and see if I can set up some sort of phone appointment to discuss it with him.
It's SUCH a pain in the ass to schedule these appts on Tues & Thurs and make the 45 minute trip each way. Especially when I just want to throw this out there, and see what he thinks.

Wish us luck - the craziness is about to begin around here.... again.

What's That Whole Thing About Patience...?

Something about it being a virtue? Well, I don't have it.

When I was at the OB's clinic on Tuesday, I had explained to him that I hadn't started my period and I was well overdue for it. I also explained to him that for SOME unknown reason, both my pregnancy tests at home AND the ones at the clinic were always pulling up -'s in the past, only for a + to be confirmed by the blood test.
Now when these were done, my HCG levels were still in the 100's. So even the weakest of tests should have detected the hormones and pulled up a +.
For some reason, nope.

So frustrating. The most basic test, one I can buy and administer myself, isn't reliable for me. It's enough to make me pull my goddamn hair out.

Anyways, he decides to have me leave them some urine to test anyways. This would make it test #3 in 24 hours (I took 2 at home). Surprise surprise, it pulled up a -.
Well, he decides that along with my prescription for Clomid, he's going to write me a script for Provera , to basically start my period for me.

After I left the office, I was a bit frustrated, and while driving home I placed a call to the Greenville Clinic here. I asked them to squeeze me in for a blood test, which they did. So I hauled tail to the office, and was once AGAIN asked to pee in a damn cup after explaining AGAIN that they aren't reliable for me.
It's like.... everyone nods and smiles while the patient is talking, and then proceeds on with whatever they want to. Like they don't even HEAR me.
So then, after I asked the NP to sit down (she was standing by the dor talking to me the whole time) I explained to her, briefly, what the situation was.
It was like a light went on in her head. She shared with me that she understood, that she used to work in an OB clinic. She knew how frustrating it could be.
Until I asked her to sit down, I honestly don't think she was listening to me. I'm sure she HEARD me, but she wasn't LISTENING.
So, in the end I got my blood drawn, and am waiting for a call from the Greenville Clinic with the results. It should be sometime this afternoon.

If I'm not pregnant, it's alright. I just can't take that Provera without knowing FOR SURE whether I'm pregnant or not. I know I would always wonder, and it'd kill me.

After I get my results I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I feel more pressure each day because we're going to be leaving soon, and I won't have ACCESS to people with Infertility knowledge like I do down here.
I need someone to start helping me find answers, and quickly.

20 January, 2009


So, pretty much all that was accomplished today was that I was given more Clomid.

I'm feeling really brushed off right now, and am going to see if I can get a referral to another OB. Hopefully Tri-Care won't give me any grief about it.
I just feel like I'm not being listened to. I don't want to take more pills, just to end up pregnant again, only to miscarry again.
I want to know WHY I keep losing babies - is that too much to ask someone to look in to?

Hit The Raod Jack...

Still no AF, took two PG tests. Negative.
Not that I really count their results to be accurate, after the last two pregnancies.
Get SO frustrated with those one things. I mean, with all the things gone wrong, can't I just have the damn reliability of a effin' pregnancy test! Gah!!

Anyways, heading out the door to make it to Cleveland. I have to find my stinkin' Garmin charger though - I get lost so easily, it's ridiculous.

I've been looking up low Progesterone being a common cause of frequent MC's - anyone have any information about this?

19 January, 2009

Going Going.. Back, Back.. to Cleveland

Appt's tomorrow! I'm excited to get this show on the road, and nervous about the newness of it all.
My appointment's at 2:15, Ryleigh will be in school long before then, so it should be smooth sailing. Side note: I haven't started my period yet. Either that's going to be hysterically funny, that I've conceived on my own without any Fert drugs, or I'm back in the Screwed Up Cycle mode that I got in to after having DD.
From what I've been told, they do your HSG at certain days in your cycle. So, as much as I'd love to just remain "neutral" an not even test right now, I'm going to have to.
I find myself thinking "I don't even want to find out if I AM pregnant" - because if I do, then that means I know I'll be paranoid about every little damn thing. It's exhausting. I get really pissed of that NEVER in my life will I POAS, have it pull up positive, and then run to tell all of my family and friends. I'll never have that PURE joy of finding out I'm pregnant. To me, pregnancy = worrying for the next 7 weeks. I don't breathe until I'm 12 weeks.
It's like my innocence (not THAT kind) has been stolen. My immediate thoughts after a positive result are "Shit, will this one stick?".
I get really jealous of others that are "Guess what?! I'm 2 minutes late on my period, and I got a positive test! Help me pick out bedding/names/gear/maternity clothes!"
I wanna shake them and say "Don't you know that NOTHING is definite! Don't plan ANYTHING! Don't set yourself up, because it REALLY hurts when it all comes crashing down!".

But, you can't say that to someone who's expecting.
In a way, I wish someone WOULD have to me. I like to go in to situations knowing everything that I can possibly know. Even the scary, 'no one wants to talk about it', kinds of things. I wish I had known that positive DOESN'T always = baby/happy ending.
And I wish the rules were more clear on how long "they" (medical world) allows a woman to go through crap like this without testing. The general consensus is that pregnant women are silly, neurotic, and they overreact to every little thing. We get brushed off, and told "it's nothing", "it's normal", "it's stress", "you can try again", and my FAVORITE - "Well, at least you already HAVE a child".
Doesn't anyone see that WE HAVE a reason to overreact, be neurotic, to be ANGRY, and to over analyze every LITTLE twinge, EVERY little ACHE.
Because DAMMIT, we DO have a reason. Once your heart gets broken, regardless of it's because of a relationship gone bad, loss of a loved one, loss of a pet, fighting with best friends, you always do WHATEVER you possibly can to prevent it from happening again. Miscarriages break hearts, and we should be treated like our concerns are valid.

14 January, 2009

Balls Rollin'

I have an appt with Dr. Blackwood on the 20th. I'm not sure if he's going to be doing the HSG then, or not. The lady I made my appt. with didn't say.
Even if he doesn't, at least it's a step closer to gettin' there!

It's a PITA only being able to go on Tuesdays and Thursdays, when Ryleigh has school. But that's the only time I'm able to go, because they don't allow children under 12 in their office.
Seems kinda funny to me, to have an OB/GYN office - but not allow children in it.
A fertility clinic, I can understand - for sensitivity issues...

Anywho - that's the update for now!

11 January, 2009

Monday, Monday..

**Beth** - I've emailed you back, your email got stuck in my junk folder! :(

I've made the choice to go ahead and forge on with making an appt. to have my HST done with Dr. Blackwood in Cleveland. And then we'll proceed on to Memphis. Beth was kind enough to email me back and inform me that the wait for the Clinic in Memphis can be quite long.
So, I'm going to get the ball rolling.
I just can't see myself being alright with having not pursued this. I started thinking about the fact that we'll most likely be in Cordova until Ryleigh starts 1st grade. And all that time, I will be away from knowledgeable people who are able to help me figure out what's going on with me, at least.
Of course it wouldn't hurt my feelers to leave here with a healthy pregnancy, but with the time constraint, I'm honestly just hoping for someone to be able to tell me WHY I have frequent miscarriages. At least then, if I left with knowing what the issue was. I could opt to take the ferry from Cordova to Anchorage (there are fert spec's there) *on my own dime* to see a specialist, and have my "issues" in hand, and maybe find someone to take my case up there.
Maybe not though, maybe once we know the problem of whatever is going on, DH and I will make the decision to adopt.

Point is, I can' make an informed decision.... until I have ALL the information - which, I don't right now.