Update:

Super short one for now, but I wanted to let you readers know that IT'S TWINS!!

Thanking My Lucky Stars <3

(this has been CC&P'd from a forum I'm on)

Soooooo......
I went in today for a follow up with my OB because of the ER appointment.

The nurse comes in, and I'm thinking "oh, REAL sensitive of you" because she had brought a doppler and some pregnancy informational books with her.
Then she asks me "so, when did you find out you were pregnant?" and I tell her it was last week, then I tell her about my fun little trait of not having urine tests work for me.
She's kind of laughing as she pulls out those round dial things, you know, the ones that tell you how far along you are, and when you're due, etc.
She then asks me "when was the first day of your last period?", as I start to answer it kinda hits me where this is going...so...
I ask her (after I pick my jaw up off the floor) "are you trying to tell me that my urine test was POSITIVE?"
She starts giggling and says "oh yes, it's most definitely positive".

At this point I begin to start sobbing and it startles her a bit, she asks if I'm ok and I tell her "someone's GOT to tell me what's going on! I'm not leaving here until I know!"
She's totally confused...
I tell her about my ER trip, what the ER doctor told me, and that I was told the pregnancy isn't viable because of my low HCG numbers.

Apparently the gal who I made the appointment with didn't tell her all of this.

(When I called to make the appointment, the gal who I talked to was PISSING me off. She was talking over me, and not listening to what I was saying. After I tell her about the ER trip, and the fact that I haven't started bleeding... that I'd like to be seen so I can have some sort of timeline before I need to look in to a D&C. Her reply to that was "So you're not bleeding?"... I say "no, I'm not" and she says back to me "oh honey, that's a GOOD thing, you're not supposed to bleed when you're pregnant."
NO shit?!?! So anyways... she wasn't listening to a damn word I was saying. I had to call Julie and vent so I didn't behead the lady at the office LOL)

So, the nurse says she'd like to go talk to the doctor before we do anything else. She leaves and talks to him. Comes back and hands be a gown (yay...) and tells me the doctor wants to come in and examine me, and ask me more about the ER visit.
He comes in, I give him the run down of the ER fiasco. Give him my LMP, and the dates that I took my Clomid on. Then I get my exam.
In short, he tells me that we're proceeding with this as a normal pregnancy. He said my uterus is slightly enlarged, my cervix is that of a pregnant woman, and he believes my "leftover" pregnancy symptoms aren't "leftover" at all, they're right on track and completely normal.

I'm scheduled for an ultrasound on the 13th - so please, please, please... send me all the sticky dust you've got. I need this lil one to make it. It's been a HARD 2 1/2 years. Sticky vibes, and "see the heartbeat on the monitor in two weeks" vibes please!!!

On a kind of silly note, I'm also tickled pink because POAS'ing has worked for me this time. It NEVER had before... I know it's a little thing, but it still makes me giggle to see those two lines show up.

MC #4

Well, I *was* pregnant. My HCG levels are consistent with someone who is 1 week pregnant, when I am at 5 weeks.
I'll be making an appointment with my OB to see how long they'll give me to expel on my own before we start talking D&C.

Not So Springy...

Is it just me, or does it seem like Spring is the season to get pregnant?
Kinda feels like people are popping up out of everywhere announcing their pregnancy. I'm neutral on this, one of those "happy for them, sad for me" deals.

I have decided that this is my last month I'm taking Clomid. It's been a long 2 1/2 years, and Clomid is just too freakin' hard. If I'm pregnant this month, that is of course wonderful... and if I'm not, I'll move ahead with my plans on going to school.

DH and I have really discussed adoption, and taken a few preparation courses online. After a few calls, we found out there isn't much we can do to get started on it down here. We have to wait until we've got an Alaska address.

I jumped the gun and took a pregnancy test this morning, of course it was negative and I'm sure you all know how GREAT of a mood that can put a person in.
I've decided that I'm not going to do another thing until the 1st of the month. If the 1st rolls around and AF doesn't show, I'll just go in for bloodwork.
It's kind of a self preservation thing, because if I don't find out, and by some chance I AM pregnant but miscarry early (like the past two times) then I can spare my heart and just tell myself it was a late period.

It's gettin' down to the time to be leaving here!! I'm so excited! I know how some people just love the south, I however am not one of them. In a little over a month, I'll be saying goodbye to Greenville and I am ecstatic. This place just has too many bad memories for me, among other things.
I'll be spending time in Sitka, and in Juneau. And no Leese, I'm not posting the dates!!! (I'm surprising Lisa when I get in Sitka.... muah-ha-ha-ha!!)
It's going to be so awesome to see my family and friends. It's been a year and a half since I've been home.
Ryleigh and I will be visiting my family while he makes the drive from Gville to Bellingham WA to catch the ferry up to Juneau. Then, Ryleigh and I will be making the drive with him from Haines to Valdez, AK - where we'll meet Tanoi- and then hop the ferry to Cordova. It's gonna be one helluva long trip, but I know it's going to be a blast.
Ryleigh is excited for snow, or so she thinks. Most of what she knows as daily life is MS weather, hot and muggy. It's going to be a BIG weather adjustment for her up there. I'm sure once she sees that the other kids don't let the weather stop them from doing what they want to do, that she'll join in and be just fine :)

Hope all's well with you, been kinda quiet out there...

*drumming fingers*

It's So Wonderful To Read Good News

There's a fellow blogger who's journey I've been reading, her name is Beth and she's had one heck of a long bumpy road.
She's an amazingly sweet person, who, even though she doesn't know me, has always had helpful advice and been supportive.

It's really great to read some positive news from someone who has had such a trying time on the TTC road.

Stop by and congratulate her :)

Last is Luckiest?

Last round of Clomid... Unless I go back, and he gives me even more.
I'm considering taking the advice of Beth and if it doesn't work this month, calling and making my own appointment to see a specialist. If I'd have enough time before we leave.
From what I understand, with Tri-Care, a specialist HAS to see you within 30 days. Maybe I have that wrong, I'll have to look in to it.
I just think it would be nice to at least have someone do some pokin' (no pun haha!) around before we're officially outta here.

I'm not sure what the policy is on seeing a specialist is in AK, with TriCare. Do they consider Fertility stuff enough of a reason to cover the cost of your trips and such?
I wouldn't think so, but then again... sometimes they surprise me.

I'm Baaaaack

Well, one good thing came of last months negative test - I was able to go to NOLA with a bunch of other CG Wives and have a FANTASTIC time!!
My voice is almost back to normal from all the screaming and yelling that happened. It was an amazing group and the memories will live on for-evah!
For your viewing pleasure... click here

We're back on for our last round of Clomid this month, just waiting for AF to rear her ugly head so we can start.

BETA

Finally got called back this afternoon, I really hate how long they take getting back to you. anyways, she said the BETA is less than 5, which is a negative test.
I really don't know what the hell is going on now, because I've never been late on Clomid. I'm 5 days late now.
She's going to fax the results to Dr. Blackwood - I have a feeling he's going to want to give me Provera again.

In Roughly 24 Hours...

I should have the results of my BETA. I got my blood drawn this morning, wait this AFTERNOON... my appt was for 10:15am. Guess what time I left? 12.30pm!! Over 2 hours for a urine test (which is POINTLESS, I tell them EVERY time...) and a blood draw.
I totally sacked out in the room while we were waiting, lol. Ryleigh almost fell asleep as well.
I will say, that I'll be surprised if I'm NOT pregnant. Because along with being 4 days late now, I FEEL pregnant. Well, my bewbs feel pregnant. Lol
I really hope this is it! I hope I'm pregnant, and that this (potential) little bug wants to stick around.
It could be some great news just in time - my mom and sister are flying in to Memphis on Thursday, it'll be neat to do something fun to announce it to them in person :)
I'll update as soon as I know!!!!!! Thanks for being supportive *hugs*

Why Does My Body Have To Be SO Ridiculous?!

I mean seriously, a pregnancy test is the most BASIC of things... either the HCG hormone is there, or it isn't!!
Bah!!
I hate not being able to rely on them. Still no AF, still no "+" on a HPT....
So, I'm going to call the clinic and go in. That's another thing that irks me, I hate that I have to wait a day to find out the results. I was spoiled by SEARHC in Sitka, they had results in about 2 hours :)
Will update when I know something - thanks for all the sweet thoughts you guys, it means a lot.

POAS'd

And..... it's "-"

But, if you've kept up with me, we know that for ME... this doesn't mean anything. Last two pregnancies showed up" -" on urine tests, but "+" on blood tests. We'll just have to wait and see!

Until then, I'm like Dory on "Finding Nemo".... "Just keep peeing! Just keep peeing!" haha.

Ticker Fun

Ta-Da!

Took the last of my Clomid two days ago. Not too bad so far, I'm definitely getting the headaches and hot flashes this time around. The mood swings don't seem TOO bad, yet.

I'm going to make an appointment to go back and talk to my OB about Progesterone and baby aspirin. They're two things I wonder about that seem like a relatively easy "fix", and even if later on, testing showed that I didn't need them - it won't hurt anything.
This is his last shot, so to speak - if I end up feeling brushed off again, I'm going to just get my own referral to either the specialist in Memphis or the on in Jackson.
Beth has been helping me a lot - she's a very sweet gal <3. She's told me that the doctor in Jackson is easier to get to, so I might try there first.

I'm really looking forward to my NOLA trip with the other Coastie wives :) So, I'm trying to keep in mind that I've got something "big" to look forward to, and plan for.
It helps me to not think about -this- all day, every day.

Here We Go..

Blood test was negative - and it's ok, I just NEEDED to know before I took the Provera.

Tomorrow I'm going to start it, and then it'll be time for the Clomid.

Yay.

Can you hear the excitement in my voice? No, really - can you....

*sigh* Please, please, please... let this work. Clomid has been nothing but eviiillllll to me. Mood swings, hot flashes, headaches, and pregnancies that show up and disappear.

If I'm going to subject myself to the misery, I need it to pay off this time. So does Russ, and so does Ryleigh. Russ just glows when I tell him I'm pregnant. He's a goober that starts rubbing my tummy and talking to it right away. He's a geek, but he's MY geek - and I love him like nothing else.
ALL Ryleigh can talk about is babies this, and babies that. I know that she will be SUCH a great big sister. Very helpful, and very eager to have a playmate around. I think it might be a little bit of an issue when Daddy wants to spend time with the "new" baby - as she is VERY MUCH a Daddy's girl. But, along with that will come a better example of sharing, waiting for her turn, and seeing just how we cared for her when she was itty bitty. She's VERY in to looking at her baby pictures, and talking about her as a baby, and what we did, and this and that.... on and on, lol.

The nurse that I talked to, on Tuesday, also told me that it's not unreasonable for me to ask Dr. Blackwood about getting me some vaginal Progesterone suppositories. They just MAY help, and if it turns out I don't need 'em... there's no risk in taking them. So, it won't hurt to try.
I don't know a lot about them, but I think I will call and see if I can set up some sort of phone appointment to discuss it with him.
It's SUCH a pain in the ass to schedule these appts on Tues & Thurs and make the 45 minute trip each way. Especially when I just want to throw this out there, and see what he thinks.

Wish us luck - the craziness is about to begin around here.... again.

What's That Whole Thing About Patience...?

Something about it being a virtue? Well, I don't have it.

When I was at the OB's clinic on Tuesday, I had explained to him that I hadn't started my period and I was well overdue for it. I also explained to him that for SOME unknown reason, both my pregnancy tests at home AND the ones at the clinic were always pulling up -'s in the past, only for a + to be confirmed by the blood test.
Now when these were done, my HCG levels were still in the 100's. So even the weakest of tests should have detected the hormones and pulled up a +.
For some reason, nope.

So frustrating. The most basic test, one I can buy and administer myself, isn't reliable for me. It's enough to make me pull my goddamn hair out.

Anyways, he decides to have me leave them some urine to test anyways. This would make it test #3 in 24 hours (I took 2 at home). Surprise surprise, it pulled up a -.
Well, he decides that along with my prescription for Clomid, he's going to write me a script for Provera , to basically start my period for me.

After I left the office, I was a bit frustrated, and while driving home I placed a call to the Greenville Clinic here. I asked them to squeeze me in for a blood test, which they did. So I hauled tail to the office, and was once AGAIN asked to pee in a damn cup after explaining AGAIN that they aren't reliable for me.
It's like.... everyone nods and smiles while the patient is talking, and then proceeds on with whatever they want to. Like they don't even HEAR me.
So then, after I asked the NP to sit down (she was standing by the dor talking to me the whole time) I explained to her, briefly, what the situation was.
It was like a light went on in her head. She shared with me that she understood, that she used to work in an OB clinic. She knew how frustrating it could be.
Until I asked her to sit down, I honestly don't think she was listening to me. I'm sure she HEARD me, but she wasn't LISTENING.
So, in the end I got my blood drawn, and am waiting for a call from the Greenville Clinic with the results. It should be sometime this afternoon.

If I'm not pregnant, it's alright. I just can't take that Provera without knowing FOR SURE whether I'm pregnant or not. I know I would always wonder, and it'd kill me.

After I get my results I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I feel more pressure each day because we're going to be leaving soon, and I won't have ACCESS to people with Infertility knowledge like I do down here.
I need someone to start helping me find answers, and quickly.

*Groan*

So, pretty much all that was accomplished today was that I was given more Clomid.

I'm feeling really brushed off right now, and am going to see if I can get a referral to another OB. Hopefully Tri-Care won't give me any grief about it.
I just feel like I'm not being listened to. I don't want to take more pills, just to end up pregnant again, only to miscarry again.
I want to know WHY I keep losing babies - is that too much to ask someone to look in to?

Hit The Raod Jack...

Still no AF, took two PG tests. Negative.
Not that I really count their results to be accurate, after the last two pregnancies.
Get SO frustrated with those one things. I mean, with all the things gone wrong, can't I just have the damn reliability of a effin' pregnancy test! Gah!!

Anyways, heading out the door to make it to Cleveland. I have to find my stinkin' Garmin charger though - I get lost so easily, it's ridiculous.

I've been looking up low Progesterone being a common cause of frequent MC's - anyone have any information about this?

Going Going.. Back, Back.. to Cleveland

Appt's tomorrow! I'm excited to get this show on the road, and nervous about the newness of it all.
My appointment's at 2:15, Ryleigh will be in school long before then, so it should be smooth sailing. Side note: I haven't started my period yet. Either that's going to be hysterically funny, that I've conceived on my own without any Fert drugs, or I'm back in the Screwed Up Cycle mode that I got in to after having DD.
From what I've been told, they do your HSG at certain days in your cycle. So, as much as I'd love to just remain "neutral" an not even test right now, I'm going to have to.
I find myself thinking "I don't even want to find out if I AM pregnant" - because if I do, then that means I know I'll be paranoid about every little damn thing. It's exhausting. I get really pissed of that NEVER in my life will I POAS, have it pull up positive, and then run to tell all of my family and friends. I'll never have that PURE joy of finding out I'm pregnant. To me, pregnancy = worrying for the next 7 weeks. I don't breathe until I'm 12 weeks.
It's like my innocence (not THAT kind) has been stolen. My immediate thoughts after a positive result are "Shit, will this one stick?".
I get really jealous of others that are "Guess what?! I'm 2 minutes late on my period, and I got a positive test! Help me pick out bedding/names/gear/maternity clothes!"
I wanna shake them and say "Don't you know that NOTHING is definite! Don't plan ANYTHING! Don't set yourself up, because it REALLY hurts when it all comes crashing down!".

But, you can't say that to someone who's expecting.
In a way, I wish someone WOULD have to me. I like to go in to situations knowing everything that I can possibly know. Even the scary, 'no one wants to talk about it', kinds of things. I wish I had known that positive DOESN'T always = baby/happy ending.
And I wish the rules were more clear on how long "they" (medical world) allows a woman to go through crap like this without testing. The general consensus is that pregnant women are silly, neurotic, and they overreact to every little thing. We get brushed off, and told "it's nothing", "it's normal", "it's stress", "you can try again", and my FAVORITE - "Well, at least you already HAVE a child".
Doesn't anyone see that WE HAVE a reason to overreact, be neurotic, to be ANGRY, and to over analyze every LITTLE twinge, EVERY little ACHE.
Because DAMMIT, we DO have a reason. Once your heart gets broken, regardless of it's because of a relationship gone bad, loss of a loved one, loss of a pet, fighting with best friends, you always do WHATEVER you possibly can to prevent it from happening again. Miscarriages break hearts, and we should be treated like our concerns are valid.

Balls Rollin'

I have an appt with Dr. Blackwood on the 20th. I'm not sure if he's going to be doing the HSG then, or not. The lady I made my appt. with didn't say.
Even if he doesn't, at least it's a step closer to gettin' there!

It's a PITA only being able to go on Tuesdays and Thursdays, when Ryleigh has school. But that's the only time I'm able to go, because they don't allow children under 12 in their office.
Seems kinda funny to me, to have an OB/GYN office - but not allow children in it.
A fertility clinic, I can understand - for sensitivity issues...

Anywho - that's the update for now!

Monday, Monday..

**Beth** - I've emailed you back, your email got stuck in my junk folder! :(



I've made the choice to go ahead and forge on with making an appt. to have my HST done with Dr. Blackwood in Cleveland. And then we'll proceed on to Memphis. Beth was kind enough to email me back and inform me that the wait for the Clinic in Memphis can be quite long.
So, I'm going to get the ball rolling.
I just can't see myself being alright with having not pursued this. I started thinking about the fact that we'll most likely be in Cordova until Ryleigh starts 1st grade. And all that time, I will be away from knowledgeable people who are able to help me figure out what's going on with me, at least.
Of course it wouldn't hurt my feelers to leave here with a healthy pregnancy, but with the time constraint, I'm honestly just hoping for someone to be able to tell me WHY I have frequent miscarriages. At least then, if I left with knowing what the issue was. I could opt to take the ferry from Cordova to Anchorage (there are fert spec's there) *on my own dime* to see a specialist, and have my "issues" in hand, and maybe find someone to take my case up there.
Maybe not though, maybe once we know the problem of whatever is going on, DH and I will make the decision to adopt.

Point is, I can' make an informed decision.... until I have ALL the information - which, I don't right now.