Appt's tomorrow! I'm excited to get this show on the road, and nervous about the newness of it all.
My appointment's at 2:15, Ryleigh will be in school long before then, so it should be smooth sailing. Side note: I haven't started my period yet. Either that's going to be hysterically funny, that I've conceived on my own without any Fert drugs, or I'm back in the Screwed Up Cycle mode that I got in to after having DD.
From what I've been told, they do your HSG at certain days in your cycle. So, as much as I'd love to just remain "neutral" an not even test right now, I'm going to have to.
I find myself thinking "I don't even want to find out if I AM pregnant" - because if I do, then that means I know I'll be paranoid about every little damn thing. It's exhausting. I get really pissed of that NEVER in my life will I POAS, have it pull up positive, and then run to tell all of my family and friends. I'll never have that PURE joy of finding out I'm pregnant. To me, pregnancy = worrying for the next 7 weeks. I don't breathe until I'm 12 weeks.
It's like my innocence (not THAT kind) has been stolen. My immediate thoughts after a positive result are "Shit, will this one stick?".
I get really jealous of others that are "Guess what?! I'm 2 minutes late on my period, and I got a positive test! Help me pick out bedding/names/gear/maternity clothes!"
I wanna shake them and say "Don't you know that NOTHING is definite! Don't plan ANYTHING! Don't set yourself up, because it REALLY hurts when it all comes crashing down!".
But, you can't say that to someone who's expecting.
In a way, I wish someone WOULD have to me. I like to go in to situations knowing everything that I can possibly know. Even the scary, 'no one wants to talk about it', kinds of things. I wish I had known that positive DOESN'T always = baby/happy ending.
And I wish the rules were more clear on how long "they" (medical world) allows a woman to go through crap like this without testing. The general consensus is that pregnant women are silly, neurotic, and they overreact to every little thing. We get brushed off, and told "it's nothing", "it's normal", "it's stress", "you can try again", and my FAVORITE - "Well, at least you already HAVE a child".
Doesn't anyone see that WE HAVE a reason to overreact, be neurotic, to be ANGRY, and to over analyze every LITTLE twinge, EVERY little ACHE.
Because DAMMIT, we DO have a reason. Once your heart gets broken, regardless of it's because of a relationship gone bad, loss of a loved one, loss of a pet, fighting with best friends, you always do WHATEVER you possibly can to prevent it from happening again. Miscarriages break hearts, and we should be treated like our concerns are valid.
All About Me :)
- Tigerlilly
- I was born in Sitka, Alaska in 1983. My parents divorced when I was 5, and I spent my childhood and teens moving back and forth between parents. So, I grew up in Anchorage, Sitka, and Juneau. But, I call Sitka home. I graduated in 2000. I should have gone to college - but didn't. I met my husband in 2002, let him marry me in 2003 :), and had a daughter with him in 2004. She is the pure JOY in our lives. My husband is AD in the United States Coast Guard. This means that life is never boring, and if it is- hey! we get to move every 3 or 4 years. He is currently a DC (Damage Controlman) 2nd class - working on making 1st class. You can also find me on myspace.com/alaskanprincess
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2 comments:
Your concerns, fears, and emotions are certainly valid, and I wish a flock of birds on the people who think otherwise.
I hope your appt tomorrow is a good one, and I'm here to hold your hand. Always.
Good luck tomorrow! I can't wait to hear all about it. And yes, it is true, docs tend to brush it all off as women's silliness...like Amber said "A flock of birds upon them!" (I know it's not as strong coming from me, as I actually don't mind birds, but maybe these are really mean birds!:)Anyway, the sentiment is the same.) Big hugs and prayers for answers.
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